When Quiet Confidence Offends

When the Performance of You Stops

Recently, I learned that the reality of committing to the building of something doesn’t just lack glamor to me personally, but it also looks undesirable to those observing me. It was brought to my attention that I was being perceived as stuck or stagnant. Initially, I was utterly confused by the statement.

Though it was coming from a loving place and a person that I deeply respect, as soon as it hit my system, it resonated as off-base. I was reminded in that moment of an argument I had with a friend. In this argument, the friend referred to me as “emotionally inept.” Admittedly I scoffed at this. I laughed absurdly, out loud. But, with both observations fresh in my mind, I am now understanding what people are perceiving and why it felt wrong to me.

Deep commitment is very quiet.

When you decide that you’re going to see something through until the bitter end, life stops being a performance and there are no more progress reports.

This is because there’s no one to answer to. There’s no overseer of your mission; you’re simply the embodiment of the mission.

I decided 7 years ago that I was going to pursue creative forms of work and be my own boss. In that time, there have been tremendous challenges. With each challenge, I became quieter. Not from a place of shame but from the realization that what I’m doing comes with inherent difficulty. Lamenting that fact daily is energetically draining, and quite frankly, emotionally immature. (Hold that thought!)

I’m aware that what I’m doing isn’t straightforward and I know that taking the path most people follow would be “easier” and provide me with more practical “security,” at a more predictable pace. I’m using quotes very intentionally here, as what is “easy” or what feels “secure” is largely debatable. The fact is, I choose to stand all ten-toes down on what I set out to do.

The first evidence of emotional maturity is accountability. Without accountability, your emotional maturity has no ground to stand on. So, with that same energy, I feel accountable for my choice, and that means that I feel no need to complain about its challenges on a regular basis.

Granted, I was having my initial conversation with a Virgo, and we all know that Virgo’s love to complain; bless their hearts. To be honest, I don’t enjoy complaining. It’s a waste of energy and when you’re committed to building something from scratch, you learn very quickly that your energy is your most valuable resource.

So, I choose to internally encourage myself, clap for my wins on my own, take time to nurture my wounds along the way, on my own, and keep it pushing.

That’s what commitment looks like. It’s silent on the outside yet, galvanized on the inside. It’s not the performance of getting up and going to a job every day.

Rejecting Normalized Performativity

We are conditioned to believe that the performance of leaving your home to prove your worth is stability. I’m too aware of how false this is. But let’s get back to the concept of emotional ineptitude and tie it all together…

One thing that has been brought to my attention, throughout my entire life, is that I can be “in my own world.” And to that I say, well duh? Where else would I be? But, in all seriousness, this can create a sort of tunnel vision where those around me may not feel thought of. I struggle with this because the way I think about others is atypical.

I may not think about whether you could use a hand with the dishes, but I analyze your life on a deep level. So much so, that I anticipate when you’re going through spiritual change, and I think of ways I can help you with your issues without your input. I feel like I’m always throwing hands in battles people don’t see (because I don’t involve them).

Sometimes, my most loving act is non-interference. I feel inundated with data; a lot of information that is too much for people to take in daily. For that reason, I manage it on my own. Not as a badge of honor but as a default setting. I understand that we all have a lot to do, I try not to get in the way of another person’s process because I don’t take kindly to those getting in the way of mine.

I try to treat people with non-judgement because I feel like that’s heavily lacking in this world. I think that’s the way I care for people I love but, at the same time, I don’t spare people deep truth when necessary. So, with that, I can see why I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. And I can see why folks might find me emotionally off-putting.

What is perceived as ineptitude is the non-existent need to emotionally attach myself to your experience.

I genuinely think that’s weird to people and I know exactly why. It’s likely because I used to be like them and now, I’m the one who has changed.

I used to wake up every day feeling anxiety about what everyone was thinking and how they were viewing my actions. I grew up bracing myself for constant criticism. “You didn’t do this task, you forgot x, y, and z;” I knew I was always in the wrong in someone else’s eyes; I was always overlooking something that was tied to a need they were having that I wasn’t paying enough attention to.

Over the years, I’ve realized that some of those needs were valid. Particularly, when it comes to being a member of a community or a close person in someone’s life, there are more practical ways of helping than the metaphysical means I gravitate toward. While at the same time, there is also an advanced way of being that is my norm, wherein I don’t think much of the collective, or those around me have yet to reach; I’m talking about emotional independence and quiet self-governance.

I don’t ask for permission to be as I am. I don’t check in everyday to make sure others know I’ve accomplished something. I don’t put out bulletins about my to do lists. I don’t announce when I have a new project, idea, or opportunity. I simply just exist and do the things. Quietly. Conversely, I am typically around a lot of people who require input on any given thought, are constantly updating me about their wants, needs, desires, or discomforts, or who are constantly sharing their day-to-day issues with me. That’s fine, for them; that just isn’t me, anymore.

This often pulls me into that world that many folks find me lost in. The one where I don’t notice the dry dishes piling up or that the other person in the room is crashing out about some daily minutiae. I simply let you handle your emotional world on your own. Because, in my humble opinion, you should be able to. That’s how you build without watching the clock. That’s how you push forward without needing constant external validation. That’s how one self-soothes. That’s how a person develops internal supportive habits that aid in keeping your own self-determination alive.

At some point, I just stopped performing for folks. I stopped performing for friendship by constantly being worried about what that friend needs or wants. I stopped performing for respect within my family by making sure I’m always doing what someone else wants me to do or what I think would look good to them in their eyes. I stopped performing for romantic love by trying to contort myself to meet a masculine’s whims.

I think a lot of that is healthy but, I also recognize where my lack of performance has made other people feel forgotten or ignored. To that point, I am integrating more awareness, but I won’t move backwards. I won’t become enmeshed in someone’s daily complaints about life because I don’t believe in that anymore.

I won’t share everything I’m building with my brand so that people think that it’s worth my doing. I will continue to enforce boundaries that support the person I am today not, who I used to be or whatever version might comfort someone else.

That’s what standing all ten-toes-down on your mission and life looks like. It’s quiet.